It’s just another normal day in Helldivers 2. Players, regrettably, appear to have failed the major order to liberate Fori Prime and Zagon Prime. While the galactic map shows Fori Prime as safe and sound, Zagon Prime is regrettably at zero percent liberation. We lost, folks. As a consequence of our collective inability to manage our democracy at acceptable levels, Arrowhead Games has hit players with the worst punishment of all.

“The expansion of our citizens to new planets will be reduced in-line with the reduction of expected Element 710 to be produced,” the major order failed dispatch reads. “Further procreation applications will be denied until further notice.” In case you’re wondering what a procreation application is, patriots have to fill in a C-01 permit before any action that could “result in a child”, as per one helpful loading screen tip.

So yeah, you’re not allowed to have sex any more. But your fellow soldier? They could be getting special treatment. A handful of players have reported that they’ve received a conflicting “mission succeeded” statement, without the attached carnal punishment.

Personally, I think this is all dissident propaganda designed to divide us. The enemy is counting on you flying into a jealous rage and dropping a 500kg bomb onto your fellow soldier, but I cannot emphasise enough: resist the urge. It might be funny, but it’s exactly what the fascist bugs want.

Besides, I do want to point out the obvious loophole in this punishment: there’s lots you can do with your fellow divers that can’t result in a child. I’m just saying, if you’re struggling in the fight for liberty, you don’t have to fill out a C-01 permit for someone with the same loadout as you to help you fire your autocannon. Wink.

As for the new major order, four Terminid planets need to be under our control in just over three days: Fori Prime, Estanu, the fire-tornado filled Hellmire, and Crimsica. Your reward? 35 medals, and hopefully the ability to make babies once more.